I don't want to do this.....I REALLY don't want to do this. Ok, so I will admit that TNA has actually been tolerable lately, but you have to take caution when things are actually going ok in TNA land. Usually when it is going well, you just know that sh** storm is going to hit and your quickly reminded why TNA is in the gutter. Well, guess what? It is going to be one of THOSE episodes. That's right, TNA went on the deep in for the showing of TNA Impact Wrestling on 7/14/11. Just so much stuff that doesn't make any sense and a wave of stupidity to go around. Can't we just skip Impact this week? F*** it, let's get this over with and start the review. By the way, I am probably going to swear more than usually, but that's what happens when an episode pisses me off. Anyway, I apologize in advance.
We open the show with Immortal heading to the ring in tuxedos and various hookers walking to the ring with them. Since these are Ric Flair's women and they need to go back to his hotel room, they quickly walk away. Already we have something that was just pointless since these women serve no purpose to the show and were just a waste of time. Plus, are you telling me one of those women is willing to let Abyss stick his dick inside her? Whatever they are paying you ladies, it isn't enough. There is also a poker table in the ring, why? I don't know, but they would get good use out if it by making horrible poker puns. Somehow, Immortal has made poker so lame that playing 52 Pickup is now interesting. Eric Bischoff talks about how they are going to gamble away people's careers tonight and are throwing a party for Mr. Anderson. Bischoff also made a horrible ejaculation joke by saying how Anderson's party a few weeks back was premature or something like that. I would go back are get the proper line, but I just don't care anymore and anyone else who knows the full "joke" already proves they care more about TNA than they should. Anderson arrives, who looks like Two Face from Batman Forever with his camouflage tux. In fact, I wonder what kind of look the tailor gave towards Anderson when he placed the order for this abomination? Anderson talks about how it is great to have friends...even though he said a few weeks back he doesn't need friends. Once Hulk Hogan welcomes Anderson to the group, the lights go off and it is time for the Joker Sting to appear. The lights come back on and Sting is right next to the poker table and brings up more poker puns and claims he will be the world champion after tonight and begin his crusade of giving the company back to Dixie Carter. Yes, because God knows having the emotionless and brain dead Dixie is going to save TNA. Hogan makes a threat towards Sting and this causes Sting to flip the table over and go insane. Sting brings up stuff about "The Network" and how they have Hogan and crew on a thin leash and warns them to not try any shenanigans. Hey look, TNA brought up a subplot that people thought was stupid. Sting tells them to look up and we see a bunch of guys in clown mask up in the rafters and says they are working with him...
Not sure if I am referring to the guys in the rafters or the creative staff with the song, but either way it's just silly. That's how the opening scene ends. So, we are opening up with IT rejects and prostitutes walking around. Just what you wanted on a Thursday night, right? Now, I will be fair and say the opening does its job by setting up the show, but if you saw THIS to open up Impact, you would be running for the hills. In fact.....why didn't I just change the channel at this point? I hope you guys and girls appreciate the lengths I have to go through to being the WrestlingNerd. By the way, if Mike Tenay's line of "Evil clowns in the house" doesn't get you interested in watching this week's Impact, nothing will...
Match #1: Robert Roode vs Poper vs Samoa Joe in a Triple Threat Match-BFG Series Match
All of the entrances were done off screen. I am going out of the way to say the reason they did this was to film more stupid s***. You will know what I mean by that later in the review, so prepare to be disappointed. I like how in one spot, Pope was pinning Roode while Joe just stood back like he doesn't care. Come on Joe, you can at least make it look like you give a s*** while your on camera? Maybe that is why Joe doesn't get a push, because he isn't going the extra mile anymore and is just trying to get by? The match was ok for what it was worth, but nothing worth bragging about. The finish comes when Joe locks the Rear Naked Chokehold on Roode, but Roode leans his body back to put Joe's shoulders on the mat and Roode gets the sneaky pinfall victory. That officially leaves us with two guys who haven't won any points in this series in Joe and Pope. Kinda funny how the guys with no points were the same guys who took part in one of the worst feuds earlier this year. After the match, Joe argues with the referees and a bunch of officials come out to support the ref's decision while Joe whines like a bitch. Based on the past history of the "wrestlers complaining towards referees" storyline, this basically means your scrapping the bottom of the crap barrel for a direction with your character. So, why did Joe resign with this company again?
Winner via pinfall: Robert Roode
A somewhat pointless backstage scene of the Jarretts arriving in the Impact Zone. After a commercial, we would follow up with another backstage scene with Immortal. Bischoff is giving his members a pep talk in taking out Sting because he is out of control (Yeah, who would have thought a senile 52 year old man is like the weapon of mass destruction in the wrestling world?). Abyss is all for doing this, but Bischoff quickly reminds him of losing the X Division title and tells him he needs to follow the directions of the other members. Ok, considering that Bischoff already GAVE the freakin orders and Abyss is doing as he is told, Bischoff comes off as an idiot with his line. I swear that the people involved in TNA don't even pay attention to the script and just say anything. Then again, maybe there is no script to begin with? The Jarretts comes barging in and act like they have no care in the world and reveal they have one of the world titles in Mexico. Hogan and Immortal is celebrating because.....why are they celebrating? Are they hoping to kill another promotion? Joking aside, I am not sure where this whole Jarrett/Mexico thing is going. It could lead to other talents being showcased on TNA and vica versa, which could be an interesting idea if done well. The belt looked like the US Championship but with the Mexican flag colors. By the way, I like how the Jarretts are completely aware of Scott Steiner and Anderson being in the meeting and not questioning why they are there because they were not in Immortal when they left. Again, it's TNA so you have to fill the plotholes yourself because you know TNA isn't going to explain it. Oh, and wrestling logic. Seems I can go an edition without saying that line. Another backstage scene where Pope is talking to Devon's kids about the BFG Series, but Devon comes in and tells his sons he warned them to not go near this clown (His exact words. Don't we have enough clowns on tonight's show?). The kids leave and Devon tells Pope he doesn't trust him because he has seen what kind of character the Pope is. The Pope claims he is trying to gain Devon's trust and enjoys the company of his sons (don't get any sick thoughts readers). Devon says he doesn't give a crap about the points he gave him last week and tells him to stay away from his family. Pope walks away, but you know that won't be the last time they interact. This isn't one of the worst storylines in TNA. In fact, I might even defend it and say it is one of the easier storylines to follow in TNA. I will admit I have gained a little more interest in this storyline and seeing where it goes. Hell, it has more of a story than Pope/Joe. It could be along the lines of Pope turning face or forming a tag team with Devon, or he is just tricking Devon to get to his family. Hey, at least the Pope is in a storyline with a wrestler and not a referee.
Match #2: Shannon Moore vs Austin Aries
Oh great, a guy with loads of talent versus a guy who is just a spot monkey and I think CM Punk can summarize Shannon the best...
Thank you Punk. You explain why I don't care for Shannon. The matchup wasn't anything amazing, but Aries being in the match at least makes it worthwhile. The finish comes when Aries gets the book of dilligaf and unhooks the chain. He is about to use the book as a weapon, but the referee intercepts it and while he is dealing with that, Aries grabs the chain and does a CHAIN LINK PUNCH to Moore's skull. Aries hits a finisher to add insult to injury and picks up the win. After the match, Alex Shelley runs out and complains about Aries using a weapon while Aries is saying otherwise. Ok, I understand they seem to be sparking a Shelley/Aries rivalry, but Shelley looks like a dork when he is complaining about a guy cheating. First of all, doesn't Shelley recall cheating during his career? Second, is this your first day on the job? That is what heels in professional wrestling do, they cheat. Why does Shelley act like this is the most shocking thing around? Not every wrestler is going to act like a boy scout. Why did he cheat? Because he wanted to win the match and he is freaking evil, end of story. Don't get me wrong, I like the concept of a Shelley/Aries feud, but they could have written or thought of a better plot device than this. Oh wait, this is TNA and they have no creativity or imagination. Plus, shouldn't Shelley be focusing on Brian Kendrick and the X Division title before setting his sights on Aries? Why does it feel that TNA tends to give a wrestling multiple storylines? They did that with Sky, and based on how the rest of this night plays out, it will happen again.
Winner via pinfall: Austin Aries
Backstage scene of Abyss talking about taking back his championship tonight until one of the clown warriors from earlier attacks Abyss with a baseball bat. He took out Abyss with ONE swing, one. Come on, at least you could have made it seem real and do a couple more attacks? Wrestling logic, a chair shot to the skull will get you up in about five minutes, but a baseball bat will basically KO you. And a Randy Orton punt will freaking kill you. Another backstage scene of Shelley and Aries doing more padding, so we will just skip it. Finally, another backstage scene of Steiner hitting on So Cal Val while another of the clowns attacks Steiner and I guess he has been taken out as well. Who the hell would have thought you would get cock block from a clown? And because wrestling matters, we have a video package on the Madison Rayne and Tara feud that should have ended about a month ago. Seriously, what is it with TNA and doing a storyline, putting it on hold for a few weeks, and then bring it back since the audience is supposed to automatically know what is going on? If there is one thing TNA should copy from the WWE, is consistently airing your rivalries and storylines so people don't get confused.
Match #3: Madison Rayne vs Tara
Tara brings a present with her, but she tells Rayne she has to wait until after the match. The match is about what you expect out of the KO division. The finish comes when Rayne opens the present and it reveals to be a tarantula. She freaks out and this allows Tara to hit the Widows Peak for the win. I kinda like Rayne, but TNA made her character look dumber than Kelly Kelly tonight. First of all, Rayne expected Tara to lie down on the mat and take the dive. What the hell made her think that? Tara hates you know, so what makes you think she was going to align herself with you again? Second, you know the present is going to be something bad and not a positive for you. And third, you open up the present to reveal a giant spider and you scream your lungs off. That is not the silly part. What IS the silly part is how she is screaming and manages to gently put down the cage where the spider is being held in. Of course, if this was real, she would have thrown the fu***** thing or killed it. Of course, wrestling logic because if she had thrown the thing, the spider could have died or gotten loose and TNA risk the possibilities of lawsuits if it harms anybody. I just hated this whole sequence of events because we already had a show with killer clowns, and now we have bimbo ladies screaming over giant spiders. I swear this sounds like a bad horror film, but I assure you this is a wrestling show....at least according to TNA. After the match, Tara scares away Rayne with the spider like she used to do by taking it out of the cage. The spider looks slightly different from the original Poison (Tara's name for the tarantula). Either she has multiple tarantulas or the original Poison died and this was the replacement. The spider's orgins are more interesting than Impact.
Winner via pinfall: Tara
We are back in the ring with Kurt Angle, but since we have had so much stupidity for the first hour, let's take a break. Here is a random clip from Seinfeld. It serves no purpose to TNA or this review, but I figure a show about nothing is a lot more entertaining and makes more sense than TNA...
Well, I feel refreshed. So, let's continue. Angle talks about getting his title match at Hardcore Justice and claims he would like to face Anderson because of how he screwed him over last week (I want you to remember this line for later in the review). But he also remember he old days of Main Event Mafia and says he has never beaten Sting and would like to have that matchup. If you pay attention to this scene, Angle is pretty much saying he would rather face Sting than Anderson. Did TNA already give away the outcome to the main event or not? Backstage of the Jarretts already going back to Mexico and getting in their van until another clown stalker comes out and attacks Jarrett while Karen is just screaming and runs away. Wait, so Jarrett made a trip all the way back to the states to show up for about 30 minutes and now he is going back? Either Jarrett has tons of frequent flying miles, or he just loves spending money on pointless s***. Plus, I thought they said this was supposed to be Jarrett's birthday and they were going to celebrate? Can't TNA follow through with stuff that was only addressed a week ago?
Match #4: Mexican America vs British Invasion winner is the #1 Contender to the Tag Team Titles
Mex American cut a typical promo. Have you noticed their titantron? There characters do everything to show they don't like USA or Americans, but they have an American flag in their titantron. What the f***? Plus, I would hate to be the audience who gets blocked off from seeing the match when there is a giant Mexican flag blocking the view. Then again, who would want to watch this piece of s***? Since TNA feels to have one more cringing moment, the Brits do a sneak attack on Mex and Tazz screams "The British are coming"....
Sorry about that. That line was so bad that I got a heart attack out of sheer stupidity. The match was nothing special and it ended when Rosita distracted the ref and Mex cheats to become the number one contenders.
Winner via pinfall and NEW #1 Contenders to the tag titles: Mexican American
Time for a waive of backstage scenes that question heelish logic. Bischoff tells Gunner and Bully Ray to take care of Sting right now. Gunner says to Bully they should go find them right now. Bully agrees and as both are walking out, Bully pulls back and lets Gunner fly solo. Another scene of Gunner now in a parking lot with a pipe calling out the attackers. Four guys in clown mask show up and each of them have a baseball bat. Unless that pipe is named John Cena, Gunner is screwed. He pretty much gets his ass handed to him and it is revealed that clowns were 4Tune in AJ Styles, Kaz, James Storm, and Christopher Daniels. Wow, Gunner is an idiot. Didn't he realize Bully didn't follow him? If he knew that, he should be smart enough to not do this plan because he was completely outnumbered. I guess you can give Gunner credit for having guts. Well, there is having guts and just being plain stupid, and this was a non-winnable fight. Well, at least the Gunner attack looked the most convincing because they half assed the Abyss, Steiner, and Jarrett attacks.
Match #5: Mr. Anderson vs Sting for the World Championship
This was not a good match, but it wasn't designed to look good. Sting was booked to look completely bats*** insane while Anderson is just trying to fight him off. Of course, it isn't a TNA world title match without a ref bump. Bully arrives to double team Sting, but then the lights go out. Lights go back on and its another clown who takes out Bully. Lights go off again and the clown is on top of the entrance while Sting runs from behind and hits SDD and we have a new TNA world champion in a 52 year old man.....again. The show ends when the clown reveals himself to be Angle. Wow.....just wow. This is so stupid. So, you mean to tell me after one week of Immortal getting Anderson and the world title, he already loses it to Sting? Then what was the point of Anderson having the title? In fact, what was the point of the month long buildup of Anderson joining/not joining Immortal if it almost amounts to nothing? Plus, Angle is now the biggest hypocrite in pro wrestling by saying he would not be involved in this match. In fact, Angle just basically chose his opponent tonight. A Sting/Angle match? Are people REALLY wanting to see this match? Sting should not be champion anymore since he can barely move in the ring. I liked Sting when I was a kid and I like what the guy has brought the business, but he seriously needs to step aside and let the younger blood handle the load. I guess this adds more fuel to the Sting/Hogan storyline, but Sting doesn't need the title for tha- oh God!!! If TNA is seriously thinking in having Hogan vs Sting for a world title in 2011, then I officially have no hope for this company and it just shows that TNA can't grow the f*** up and get away from the old ass and work with their younger talents. Oh, and did I mention with the established kayfabe that Sting winning this matchup makes no sense. In fact, that is like the freakin theme of TNA. TNA: where wrestling matters and we don't make any fu***** sense. TNA was doing well the last couple of months, but they quickly took a s*** on everything they have established and bring you back to the world that makes no sense. Oh, and the people who complain that Sting got a big reaction last night and thus should get the title, he was performing in front of the Impact Zone. You know, that arena that basically shows the same 1000 fans every week. That doesn't tell me Sting is really over when you broadcasting it to the same people every week. Just another example that TNA needs to go on the road and see how OTHER people react to this. Besides, Sting is one of those guys who will always be over like Undertaker or Triple H and he doesn't need a belt to do so. Honestly, I can talk about how this is really pissing me off as a wrestling fan, but what's the point? It isn't going to make this show any better and TNA will take the direction of the company down route number 1724629.
Winner via pinfall and NEW TNA World Champion: Sting
Overall Impression:
....and then some. This episode quickly reminded me why TNA is in the crap barrel. You don't know how much I want to see TNA put a wrestling show with good matches, good storylines, and entertainment, but this is anything but that. The matches were fair to bad, the promos were awful, and the entertainment....where the hell was it? I hate to say I told you so that the Destination X PPV wouldn't serve no purpose for the future of TNA, but....I told you so. They barely acknowledged the PPV and this company doesn't have much of a direction and its completely lost. Not the worst Impact I have seen, but one of the worst ones I have seen in a while. Last week was bad, but it was awesome compared to this. Almost nothing good came out of this evening....except for the only guy with some freaking charisma in Aries making an appearance tonight. He was about the old redeeming factor after tonight. I have an idea on the direction of the company, but I am not excited about it. Sting and Hogan is tired and played out and it's just a cheap trick by TNA to get a bunch of PPV buys. As bad as this matchup will look, it will probably get PPV buys because of the star power of Hogan and Sting. You know it is bad when Sting is going to carry Hogan in the match and Sting can barely do that these days. Good luck TNA fanboys with your Angle vs Sting match, because it's going to be Angle carrying his ass because Sting can't do very much at his age. You don't know how sad it is watching this guy who I idolized as a kid and seeing him move in there makes me sad, disheartening, and sick. That is going to do it for the review and I hope you enjoyed it. Sorry about all the swearing and over complaining, but this one really got to me and it basically made me snap. I will see you guys and girls on the next WrestlingNerd show, see you next time and thank God for CM Punk.
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