What up wrestling fans, I'm the WrestlingNerd bringing you another written review. Today, we take a look at TNA Impact Wrestling 4/5/12. How much further can Hulk Hogan feed his ego? Well, let's find out and start the review.
We open up the show with Sting and Dixie Carter in the ring, while the TNA roster is there to welcome the new GM. That's right people. We are going to have every member of the TNA roster pleasure Hogan in the center of the ring. It was a two hour love fest. It was kinda disturbing, but Velvet Sky made it interesting. I didn't think she had THAT type of skill. Well, not much more to talk about. I guess the review is over. See you next week……..Okay, that wasn't funny. Hogan is in the ring and claims he will be making changes for this company in order to get them to the top. Ever have Déjà vu? Hogan makes a couple of matches. It will be Matt Morgan vs Crimson at Lockdown. Well, I called that match since Victory Road. Yeah, I win again….even though there is nothing to win. Well, that makes me sad. Anyway, he also says there will be a KO Championship Challenge in order to determine the #1 Contender to the KO title. Hogan calls out Eric Bischoff, but Ric Flair says he isn't here. Hogan and Flair argue……blah blah blah…..Grumpy Old Men………idontevenknow. Oh good, Robert Roode interrupts. Roode says he will show up whenever he feels like it because he's Bobby Roode. He also claims that Hogan will never be able to contain him because he's unstoppable. Hogan calls Mr. Anderson to the ring and says it will be Roode vs Anderson later tonight. And it will be Kurt Angle vs Jeff Hardy to open the show. I should mention that Roode is surrounded by a bunch of a guys in suits. It's never implied (at least at this point of the show) who these guys are. I guess Roode hired a cheap, imitation mob family to protect him. Hey, I can actually buy that. A pretty basic start to the show. They didn't go too overboard with Hogan, but keep in mind that the show just started. The fact that Hogan was searching for Bischoff indicates that Hogan is going to run into Bischoff in the near future. Well, brace yourself for that one. By the way, did anyone check out the Dish Network view for tonight's show? The only reason I bring this up is I checked the info box on what tonight's show would feature. It's pretty basic for your standard shows. Well, all Dish mentioned was Hogan. No Roode. No James Storm. Nothing about Lockdown or the TNA World Championship……just Hogan. As I said last week, Hogan being the GM is not the main problem. Yeah, the wrestling logic is raped, but I'm fine with Hogan being the GM. My overall main issue is the fact that Hogan is taking up so much screen time and thinking that plastering his face/name on something is going to gain attention. Well, it really doesn't since Hogan has done this before in TNA and it has made very little difference. Learn from your past mistakes, but Hogan wants to keep trying his old ideas until they eventually work. Yeah, that's gonna get you far. Well, it's too early to judge a book by its cover, so let's move on……..and cry.
Match #1: Kurt Angle vs Jeff Hardy
Not as great as the match at VR, but this was still a pretty good match to watch. If there's one thing I didn't like about it, it would be the commentary. I know some of you are going to think this is nitpicking, but listen to this? Tazz and Tenay are talking about how Hogan is laying down the law by making matches on the fly. I'm sorry, but this is not the selling point of a great GM. All GMs make matches on the fly. What's so special with Hogan doing it? It's a cheap/lazy selling point. I understand what they are trying to do, but it just comes off as ridiculous. Not only that, but they mostly talked about Hogan being in control for the first half of the match. What's this Kurt Angle and Jeff Hardy we see before us? Screw that. We need more Hogan screen time. Anyway, the finish comes when Kurt decides to walk away from this match, thus Hardy wins with a countout. Not a bad start to Impact, but can we lay off Hogan for a moment? Please? I'm asking nicely.
Winner via countout: Jeff Hardy
Kurt is walking to the back and……Hogan greets him? What, is he going to show up at every single moment? Why stop there? Why not change the name of the show to Hogan Wrestling? No, I can do better. How about Hogan Hogan? Where you see Hogan talking to Hogan while the Hogan Band 351 is playing the top Hogan chants of the Hogan era. HOGAN!!! Okay…..give me a minute. It's too early to be freaking out………
So, Hogan says it will be Angle vs Hardy at LD. There is a backstage scene with Flair. He's on the phone with Bischoff and tells him to get his ass to the arena since Hogan is out of control. Oh yeah, Hogan is such a menace to society when he has made not one, but TWO matches for LD. That crazy, old man!!! He needs to be stopped!!! Bully Ray also has a backstage scene. He wants to be referred to as Calfzilla. But not just Calfzilla. CALFZILLA. He wants it in all caps because he forgot to turn off the "Caps Lock" button on his computer. He talks about having to deal with Austin Aries tonight. Bully is now in the ring. No, CALFZILLA. I don't know who you are, so stop asking me. I just want to watch the show……*sobbing*. Bully talks about taking bigger craps than A Double. Yeah, you might want to get that looked at. That can't be healthy. Austin finally arrives and tells every to shhhhhhhhhhhhhh…..MIC TO THE FACE. A Double is on the attack, but Bully is too big to overcome. Bully hits a Powerbomb on A Double to end the segment. I like how the story is being told. Austin is standing up to the bully, but he's going to have a challenge because of the size difference. It made sense for Bully to take this one. So, Impact has been pretty decent so far. Yeah, the Hogan cock is out of control, but it's a different show once you get away from all the Hogan stuff. I just hope the rest of the show is like this.
Joseph Parks is still searching for Abyss. He leaves behind his card to the catering crew. How many cards does this guy have? They need to do something different with this Joseph Parks deal. It's the same thing every week. He's asking people if they have seen his brother. They say no, so he hands him a card. It's great you are setting up the basics, but we are past the basics with this storyline. You need to eventually "develop" the storyline. Hopefully, they do this rather soon since Joseph Parks can only take away so much from Office Depot.
Match #2: Knockout Championship Challenge; winner is #1 Contender to KO title
The women competing in this match were Velvet Sky, Angelina Love, Winter, Tara, Madison Rayne, and Mickie James. The match was a mixture of a tag team match and a six pack challenge. Only two women were in the ring and you had to tag yourself in or out to get involved. The match is pretty much what you expect. The match eventually broke down. The ladies started hitting their finishers left and right. The finish comes when Velvet hits In Yo Face on Mickie and we have a new #1 Contender. So, does Velvet get two title matches since she never cashed in the rematch clause? Eh, I'm probably thinking way too deep here.
Winner via pinfall and NEW #1 Contender to KO Title: Velvet Sky
Eric Young is having a bachelor party. Instead of getting rowdy, he's…….wanting to set up his fantasy baseball team. Did he just say John Olerud? I don't watch baseball anymore, but I'm pretty sure he's retired. I think the bigger question is how the hell do I know that? Then again, maybe that was the point of the joke. Anyway, ODB arrives and gets rid of the guys. She brings beer and chicken wings to the mix. Yeah, go ahead and insert all the innuendos. Trust me, you're not missing much. Oh, and the wedding is next week. I'm calling it right now. I'm gonna be EXTRA sad next week.
Match #3: James Storm vs AJ Styles
I like how Tazz and Tenay try to justify Styles as big time competition at the present time. Yeah, because of that non-existent winning streak, transparent championship belt, and the microscopic screen time……something's wrong with this picture. Oh, and before I get trashed by the IWC, I'm not saying Styles isn't worthy competition. I'm just saying that he hasn't done anything meaningful or important for months. This was a short, but effective match. That's making good use of the short amount of screen time. Sorry Storm, but we still have 3-5 Hogan segments to do in the next 20 minutes. Anyway, Storm wins with the Last Call Super Kick. Still, this was a fun match while it lasted. After the match, Storm drinks a beer and says he wants a confrontation between him and Roode on next week's show. If TNA is smart, they will have that segment end the show. If Hogan ends the show, I think I will have to break something.
Winner via pinfall: James Storm
Backstage where Hogan and Sting are talking. Sting wants to be there for Hogan, but Hogan wants Sting to go home and rest. And then they….keep talking…….what? You know what? Just slap the Brokeback Mountain music in there and let's go home. How did THIS get the green light? Storm is backstage with some friends. I think it was one or two of the people who wrote Storm's entrance theme or some friends from Storm's hometown, but I'm not completely sure. It wasn't really explained. Storm's about to get ready to go drink some beers, but not before Roode arrives to be a jackass. He talks about himself and spits water in their faces. A scuffle almost breaks out, but it gets under control. Epic stare-down between Roode and Storm. Oh, I'm sorry. I mean there was a stare-down between Storm and Roode's mob family. Will Storm be creek-swimming with the fishes tonight? LOLZ
Match #4: Motor City Machine Guns vs Mexican America
Wait? Rosita and Sarita are still associated with Mex America? I thought they were only interested in money? Whatever. Tazz is talking about hanging out with Justin Bieber? What? Was that supposed to be funny? That was just……stupid. Anyway, the MCMG looked pretty decent. They hit Skull and Bones and MCMG are victorious in their first match of 2012. After the match, they want the TNA Tag Team Titles. Samoa Joe and Magnus? Who are those guys?
Winner via pinfall: Motor City Machine Guns
Bischoff finally arrives and Flair says that Hogan is on an ego trip. Flair's argument for Hogan being out of control is……..He's making matches for Lockdown………THAT BASTARD!!! Hogan has gone too far….TOO FAR I SAY. Hogan taking the screen time is one thing, but now he's making matches? You're right, guys. If you don't stop this, Hogan might start making……CHAMPIONSHIP MATCHES!!!!
Okay, I've had my fun. It was ridiculous, but Flair's over-the-top performance makes it truly funny. Oh, and I like how Bischoff brings up the fact that Flair is a two-time Hall of Famer. Yeah, because talking about what the WWE's doing on TNA is surely the best way to gain some mainstream attention for this company. Wait, something's not right about that.
So, Hogan is in the ring and he calls out Bischoff. Hogan says this tension between Eric and his son, Garett Bischoff, is out of control. So, he decides to put together a Lethal Lockdown match. It will be Team Eric vs Team Garett. If Eric's team wins, Garett will be forced to leave the wrestling business……*please let it happen, please let it happen, please let it happen*. If Garett's team wins, Eric is gone from Impact AND he's no longer allowed to use the "Bischoff" name. Can he do that? I'm pretty sure you can't force someone to change their last name, but what do I know?Eric agrees to the match and we appear to have a twist to the Garett/Gunner match. I like how it's supposed to be between the Bischoffs, but it feels more like it's Hogan vs Bischoff. Oh, and Garett being known as a leader? He couldn't lead a flag team.
Match #5: Robert Roode vs Mr. Anderson
The match was fine, but I wasn't really invested in it. The finish comes when there's a ref bump. This allows for Roode to take a beer bottle from the audience. He gets back in the ring and smashes the bottle over Anderson's head. The ref makes the count and Roode is the victor. I like how the ref doesn't bother to question all the broken glass around the ring. Have you ever wondered how these referees keep missing stuff like this? Damn…..Wrestling referees are the worst referees ever. After the match, Storm arrives and……..You got to be kidding me? Hogan again? What, is he forced to appear X amount of times or else TNA goes bankrupt? Seriously, what's with all the Hogan appearances? Some of them were completely unnecessary. I understand they want to show a change in power, but there's a better way to do it. Anyway, Hogan reverses the decision and Roode is angry. Oh, and Anderson is busted open. This Hogan appearance seemed pointless. Who cares if Roode or Anderson is the victor? How about that world title build up? Oh, that's what backstage scenes are for. Can't go to the ring since Hogan is currently talking. Yeah, I know I have made that joke a lot tonight, but that was literally the theme of the show. A match would happen, then Hogan would show up, and so on and so on. Lockdown is next week and they have barely built up any of the matches for the PPV. Yeah, they announced some matches, but where's the build-up? If the build-up for your rivalries are poorly done, who will pay attention to them? You can only get away with, "Oh, but they are great wrestlers" for so long. Building up the storyline is sometimes way more important than the actual match. Heck, you can have two garbage wrestlers, but if you make a compelling/interesting storyline, then people will pay attention. Instead, TNA is fully relying on the name "Hulk Hogan" to be the main draw for the company and the upcoming PPV. He has to be the selling point since he has gotten more screen time than anyone else for the last three weeks. Okay, we need to move on or else Hogan starts showing up on all the channels.
Winner via Hogan: Mr. Anderson
Well, I did find Impact better than the last couple of weeks, but I don't think it's saying much. For a third straight week, Hogan was the center of attention. If you want him to be the GM, that's fine, but make the show about the rest of the roster and not just Hogan or people who have a history with Hogan. I guess this is something we need to get used to as the show moves forward, but I still think they can cut down on some of these appearances. The action for tonight's show was a lot better. Outside of the KO match, I was mostly entertained by the action in the ring. Some of the segments were pretty fun as well. I really liked the Bully/A Double segment. That's a storyline that I have a lot of interest in. Still, there was a couple of segments that totally bombed. In fact, most of the show was better when Hogan WASN'T involved. Now, there's something else I need to clarify. I don't hate Hogan. In fact, I respect what the guy has brought to the business. You can make the argument that there would be no pro wrestling if it weren't for Hogan. I get all of that, but he's at the stage of his career were he should be helping the fresher meat and seeing if they can become the next Hogan, not put the spotlight on himself and be the driving force at 58 years old. With Hogan doing this for three straight weeks, it almost shows that TNA has no faith in their current talents and simply have to rely on Hogan's name in order to get some mainstream attention. Now, back to the show itself. This wasn't a bad showing…..If you ignore most of the Hogan bs. Personally, I have seen better Impacts. Then again, I have also seen worse Impacts, so at least this one is in the middle of the road territory……at least for Impact standards. That's going to do it for the review and I hope you enjoyed it. As always, tell me what you thought of my review or tonight's show. I will see you guys and girls on the next WrestlingNerd show. See you next time.