WrestlingNerd Presents: TNA Impact Wrestling Review 3/8/12 (What?)

What up wrestling fans, I'm the WrestlingNerd bringing you another written review. Today, we take a look at TNA Impact Wrestling 3/8/12. Will TNA be any good this week? Let's get this over and….Yeah, whatever. 

I really don't want to do this. I know I say that a lot, but I really mean it this time. I'm just…..Wow, this was bad. Well, let's pace ourselves and hopefully we can get through this. We open up the show with Ric Flair, Eric Bischoff, and Mr. Garbage Man. Sounds like a rejected Mega Man boss, but it's good enough for this company. Based on Mike Tenay's commentary, Immortal is still a group. Why? When was the last time Immortal did anything as a group? This is another one of TNA's consistent problems. Not knowing when the pull the plug on something, even if there's no reason to keep it around. It didn't take long for the show to go south. Bischoff says it warms the cockles of his heart. I don't want to hear about Eric's fetishes. Seriously, keep that to yourself. What is going on? Anyway, the stable talks about how Garett Bischoff is going to do the right thing and leave the business, but they want to put him in another match. It will be Gunner and a partner of his choice vs Garett and vica versa. Kurt Angle's music hits and we see a really bad reaction. Eric was so over the top, and not the good kind like Daniel Bryan. If Bryan was here, he would be screaming, "NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO". Angle wants to be Gunner's partner since he doesn't like Garett. He also says Garett should learn to respect his father, or some crap like that. We get no mention who Garett will pick as his partner, but it's pretty clear who it will be. Even the Impact Zone already knows, so what's the point? I'm hoping for a curveball when it comes time for the match. By the way, it's pretty funny how Tenay talks about how Hulk Hogan is out of the country tonight. Did Adult Swim/Williams Street move out of Georgia? Either that or he's working on his next "video" series. Hahahahahaha….Oh, that wasn't funny. 

Sting is in the bathroom. He talks to himself and is putting on his seizure makeup. Eric Young comes into the scene and wants Sting's blessing? What? That's what I said, what? Sting comes up with the idea to give ODB and EY a KO Tag Titles match. Oh yeah, cuz everyone is clawing to get those titles. These titles should've been gone about 2-3 years ago. In fact, it should've never been created. You could've melted the belts and create a meaningful championship. Then again, this is also the same company that created this….

MEGATRON BELT LIVES!!!

Match #1: Gail Kim and Madison Rayne vs ODB and Eric Young; KO Tag Titles match

It wasn't much of a fight since Gail and Madison were at a disadvantage. Come on, that's too much testosterone for them to overcome…..And Eric being involved didn't help either. Did ODB just do a vagina headbutt? Gives whole new meaning to bang that…..I'm just gonna stop right there. Eric continues to grapple with the ref. He actually did this twice. I'm really getting sick of seeing this bit. It wasn't funny the first time you showed it, why would it be funny the next 1000 times? If you can't tell, the match was your basic comedy match. The finish comes when Madison hits EY with one of the titles, but he falls on top of Gail. How did THAT make it past the censors? It look like EY was…..Just google it. Gail tries to kick out, but she can't. The ref makes the three count and we have new KO tag champs. In a matter of weeks, TNA has made the KO champ and the #1 Contender to the KO title look completely inferior and pathetic. You want to know the weird thing? I actually don't mind ODB and Eric getting the titles. The titles are a complete joke, so it seems like a match made in heaven. Did I really just say that? After the match, Eric gets on one knee and…..We go to a commercial break. Oh no, the budget ran out. Either that or nobody said anything for three whole minutes. If it wasn't obvious already, it's clear that TNA tapes their shows. We return from commercial break and EY purposes to ODB. She's about to leave with the ring, but immediately drops down to one knee and purposes to EY. Grizzly Adams has accepted and it seems EY will no longer have his balls. So, this comedy duo will continue. If you want to escape from the city….follow me…..set me free. Anyway, I'm all for comedy routines on my wrestling shows, but it should have comedy for it to work. That's kind of important. 

Winner via pinfall and NEW KO Tag Titles: ODB and Eric Young

We are in the parking lot and some guy named Joseph Parks wants to get into the building. It turns out he is the brother of Abyss. That stupid train is never late in TNA land. Okay, it's a little early to say that. This is me having fun. I'M HAVING FUN!!! By looking at the scene, it seems Joseph and Abyss are the same person That's Abyss? Did I just blow my freakin' mind? So, either Abyss is going with an alter ego to protect the people of Wacky Land, or the Joseph gimmick will be the new character and they are doing away with the monster gimmick. The monster angle of Abyss has run its course, so he's due for a complete makeover. I can definitely say I wasn't expecting that. Come on? Who the hell did? I want to give this a chance since Joseph looks nothing like Abyss, thus this can be something better. Amazing how wearing a suit and cutting your hair can make you look so different. This could be an interesting storyline for TNA. Most of you know I try to give things a chance, so let's see where they are going with this. At the moment, I am invested, but this can easily blow up in their face. Oh, and Austin Aries gets an email from Sting. It turns out A Double will defend his title against Zema Ion tonight. PPV? What's that? 

Match #2: Austin Aries vs Zema Ion; X Division Title match

THANK YOU, AUSTIN!!! It was about damn time I see someone go out there and do SOMETHING entertaining. Just look at him? He's trying to get you invested and it's funny. Somebody in the TNA creative staff better be taking notes during this part. The match was fun, but it was short. Way to kill the entertainment, TNA. The finish comes when the ref gets knocked down. Zema is about to use the hairspray on Austin, but he intercepts it. Austin sprays the stuff in Zema's face, but the ref is back up and catches it. Zema wins via DQ, but Austin is still the champ. I like how it's supposed to be hairspray, but Zema sells it like you just squirted him with a water gun. I felt like nothing new was brought to the table here. Both guys are jerks and this doesn't really add to their rivalry. It's very clear that Jesse Sorensen was scheduled to win the #1 Contender match. Either that or TNA just gave up with writing a story for this bit. Well, at least Austin is trying to make the best out of a bad situation. 

Winner via DQ: Zema Ion; Austin Aries is still X Division Champ

Joseph Parks is talking to Velvet Sky on the whereabouts of Abyss. Yeah, because Abyss and Velvet and two people you always see stuck together. It's like they are real-life girlfriends. She was shocked to find out Joseph's identity….Or at least she tried to sell it. I've said this before and I'll say it again. If you want to be a well known pro wrestler, it would help to take some acting lessons. Oh, and who would've thought Abyss' name was Chris? If your mind wasn't blown yet, how about how?

Bully Ray is in the ring and demands to be named the #1 Contender to the World Title. His argument is that he took out James Storm. He wants Sting to come out and give him Robert Roode. Sting arrives and Bully continues to say he wants Roode. He wants him. He REALLY wants him. Ummm…..Never mind. Sting decides to give him Roode, but it will be tonight. So, Bully wanted a title match, but doesn't seem bothered that Sting didn't give him a title shot? I would question this, but we will be here all night if we question all the wrestling logic on this show. 

Match #3: Robert Roode vs Bully Ray

This was probably the best match of the night. Roode was trying to get out of the match, but Bully didn't seem interested. I bet Bully would've called off the match if Roode offered him a stair-stepper. TNA has really been heavy on the heel vs heel stuff lately. The finish comes when Bully has the chain-up fist, but Storm arrives. Bully leaves while Storm hits the Last Call Super Kick on Roode. This causes a DQ. Well, it's about time Storm actually confront Roode. Still, that's all you get for this week. This Sting/Roode stuff better end at VR, cuz I would really hate to see it turn into a Triforce of Confusion.

Winner via DQ: Robert Roode

Garett is backstage. Garett is talking about his match. He wants to keep his partner a secret. Oh, come on? We already who it is. I didn't even read the spoilers and I already know. Just get on with it. Joseph talks to Matt Morgan and Crimson. He once again asks if they know where Abyss might be and if they can point him in the right direction. I got an idea. How about hiring a detective? Oh, that's right. That would make way too much sense. Anyway, once Joseph leaves, Crimson and Morgan talk. Crimson seems to be developing an attitude. A heel turn for him wouldn't hurt at this point. The babyface run isn't working very well. Crimson has potential, but I'm losing more and more interest in this guy. 

Match #4: Matt Morgan and Crimson vs Robbie E and Robbie T; #1 Contenders to Tag Team Titles

The match might be considered okay, but I had no interest. I guess I just stop paying attention as soon as Robbie E starts showing up on my TV screen. Hey, at least he owns the Totally Vanished Championship? The finish comes when Morgan hits the Carbon Footprint on Robbie E. Crimson tags himself in and picks the bones. Calling it right now, Morgan vs Crimson at Lockdown. 

Winner via pinfall and NEW #1 Contenders to Tag Titles: Matt Morgan and Crimson

AJ Styles is now in the ring. He talks about TNA's upcoming 10 year anniversary. That's right. Ten years of disappointment and stuff that made no sense. Oh, now I know I will get some crap for that one. Styles talks about making friends and enemies during those ten years. Christopher Daniels and Kaz interrupt. They basically talk about how Styles only thinks about himself and doesn't seem to care about his friends. It is lead to believe that Kaz joined up with Daniels because of this very reason. What a poor excuse. Was that the best they could come up with? There was potential for something exciting, but you roll out cliche #351? I'm convinced that TNA was trolling everyone during the progression of this storyline. Styles retaliates by calling them pricks. Styles also says he's done with friends and has a new alliance. Mr. Anderson arrives and the four guys start to fight. The good guys stand tall. I know I should be excited that Anderson is back, but it didn't do anything for me. I was a bigger fan of Mr. Kennedy than Mr. Anderson. He started off well in TNA, but I feel his work quality has really gone down over the last year. Ken has so much potential, but I feel he's been half-assing it for quite a while. Oh, and are you watching the videos where various IW fans talk about their experience with TNA? You can really see the "excitement" in their eyes. Seriously, it makes John Laurinaiitis look like Roddy Piper. Get some better actors. 

Match #5: Garett Bischoff and Jeff Hardy vs Gunner and Kurt Angle

Tenay and Tazz continue to show just how bad of a commentary team they can be. They were like, "WOW….JEFF HARDY". Then again, it doesn't surprise me that Tenay can't give you a proper human emotion if his life depended on it. Actually, I'm disappointed. I was kinda hoping for a stalk of corn to be Garett's partner. I bet that stalk of corn has more personality than Garett, which is why Hardy was the replacement. Ever noticed how Hardy looks like a Na'vi on crack? Parts of this match were okay, but there was other parts that really dragged. Then again, you would know all about that if you watched the Gunner/Garett match at AOO. Actually, don't watch it. RUN!!! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!! Anyway, the finish comes when Hardy hits the Swanton Bomb on Kurt. I wasn't a big fan of the main event. This Garett deal really needs to be scrapped. He hasn't gotten any better. In fact, he might be getting worse. What was I saying before? Oh yeah, RUN!!! 

Winner via pinfall: Jeff Hardy and some other guy

Overall Impression:

Okay, I'll admit that I went a little overboard tonight, but it was the only thing I could do to keep myself sane. Impact was pretty bad tonight. While I wasn't a fan of the last couple of weeks, at least those were tolerable/passable shows. This was a bad episode of TNA. There was just so many stilly/stupid moments. The EY/ODB stuff is really getting old. The reveal of the Styles/Kaz storyline is extremely disappointing since it seems like they didn't even try to come up with something better. The Joseph Parks/Abyss deal can be pretty dumb, but I didn't think it was THAT bad. It could turn out to be a good thing, but it can also suck. By far, the biggest problem of tonight's show was Garett. This guy got way too much air-time on this week's show, and it was painful to watch. This guy isn't ready for this type of exposure and they should just stop trying to make something out of him. You have to naturally become a star. Oh, and it would help to have some talent. There was some parts I enjoyed. I liked Austin's shenanigans and the Roode/Bully match, but there was more negatives than positives. I know I have said this before, but I want to see TNA do some great things. You don't know how much I want to be the guy who says, "Wow. TNA is where it's at. Check it out", but I can't approve of this. TNA took a lot of steps backwards tonight. It seems like this company has been taking two steps forward, but quickly take about 3-4 steps back. TNA fans are not going to be happy with this review, but what else is new? It seems like I can't win. No matter what I do. Then again, that won't stop me from trying. That's going to do it for the review and I hope you enjoyed it. As always, tell me what you thought of my review or tonight's show. I will see you guys and girls on the next WrestlingNerd show. See you next time.