WrestlingNerd Presents: WWE Raw Review 7/9/12 (Can I have a vacation?)

What up wrestling fans, I'm the WrestlingNerd bringing you another written review. Today, we take a look at WWE Raw 7/9/12. With Money in the Bank set for this week, how does the 'go home' edition of Raw fair? Let's find out and start the review. 

We open up the show with AJ. She invites CM Punk and gets on her knees. Um…I'm pretty sure they can't show this on television. What is she doing? Is this some crazy ritual that only crrrrrrraaaaaaaazy AJ can think of? Well, it turns out that it's a marriage proposal. What? Look at Punk's expression. Even he doesn't know what to make of this. Daniel Bryan interrupts and claims Punk doesn't care about AJ and he came down to make a marriage proposal himself. Punk doesn't buy any of this because Bryan didn't even buy a ring for AJ. I like how Bryan is saying the ring is in the back. Yeah, it's……it's getting notarized by the local bum. I'm honestly surprised that Cole didn't make a proposal of his own, but I'm sure his wife already tied his leash up after last week. While Punk and Bryan argue, we get interrupted by the….

OH, DAMMIT!!! Not this again!!! Yes……the Anonymous Raw GM returned tonight. Allow me to cry for you…*crying*. Anyway, Michael Cole reads the email and books Punk and AJ vs Bryan and Eve in a Mixed Tag match for tonight. WWE really has been going overboard with the Mixed Tag matches, don't you think? Time for Bryan to freak out…..

Afterwords, AJ says she's confused. That's the understatement of the year. She says that by the end of the night, she will leave with her future husband. Yeah, so a lot of craziness after the opening segment. I'm not really sure what to make of this. I think it's best we move on. What to move on? I'm moving on. We're moving on. Hooray for moving on. 

Match #1: Sheamus vs Jack Swagger

This match lasted about 20-30 seconds. Sheamus got pissed off and killed Biff Tannen with the Brogue Kick. After the match, Alberto Del Rio was on the titantron and vowed victory over Sheamus this Sunday. Wow, that's some 'epic' WHC buildup. Well, they still have an episode of Smackdown to do the buildup. Still, they didn't leave you with much to go on here. 

Winner via squash: Sheamus

After Zack Ryder plugs the upcoming Zackdown, Santino tells him that he's on the case to find out who the Anonymous Raw GM is. Oh, I can't wait to be disappointed. We also find out that the Rock will be will explaining himself at the 1000th episode. With all the 1000th episode approaching, I'm not surprised Rocky is showing up. 

Match #2: Christian and Tyson Kidd vs Dolph Ziggler and Tensai

This match lasted about as long as the Sheamus/Swagger match. The finish comes when Tensai hits that Back Slam on Christian, but he did get some help from Sakamoto and Dolph. After the match, Tensai killed Tyson since he wanted revenge for the burial of his character. Hey, I'm not gonna argue with Tensai's logic here. Vickie Guerrero did seem impressed with Tensai's skills…..or fab?

Winner via pinfall: Tensai and Dolph Ziggler

Cole and King start to argue about who should be the GM of Raw and SD. This amounts to King getting very pissed off at Cole. I didn't realize GM wars is what set King over the edge. Then again, it probably had to do with that spilled vodka……

Oh, goodie. Another interruption by the Raw general managerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. By the power of the WWE Universe, we will determine if King and Cole will have a WrestleMania 27 rematch. The sad part is the majority of people want to see this match because casual fans love seeing the heels lose. Remember, the IWC only makes up 10% of the audience, while the other 90% is the casual audience. Hey, I'm just stating the facts……facts….facts. 

Match #3: Brodus Clay vs Drew McIntyre

Brodus hits Funk It for the victory. Can we talk about the PPV this upcoming Sunday? I'm bored, going crazy, and the Raw GM jingle is going to be the death of me. This is gonna be one of those days, isn't it? 

Winner via pinfall: Brodus Clay

Match #4: John Cena and Kane vs Big Show and Chris Jericho

There was a backstage scene between Santino, Jericho, and Show, but it was a missed opportunity. Before the match, Cena assured that he will win MITB and will stop Big Show. If you look really closely, you can see a Superman logo on Cena's T-shirt. What, you think I would lie about such a thing? Anyway, time for King to say, "WOW, I have never seen anyone lift the Big Show before. Cena is so amazing. I want to have sex with him right now". I understand what they are trying to do with the commentary, but it's just silly since we've seen Cena lift Show many times. Hell, we saw it earlier this year. I don't think people are THAT stupid. This was definitely the best match of the night. It was given a fair amount of time and it was decent to watch. Still, this match ended in the laziest way possible. The finish comes when Cena hits the AA on Jericho, but Show pulls him under the ring, which causes a DQ. That caused a DQ? You can argue that he tossed Cena into the barricade, but this happens all the time. Did they just not care anymore? Oh, the WRESTLING LOGIC is really strong tonight. After the match, Show introduces ladders into the match. He takes out Jericho and Kane, but Cena does one ladder strike to the face and manages to take Show out. The segment ends with Cena hulking out with the ladder. I don't hate Cena. In fact, I've really grown to respect the guy, but I DON'T want to see him win this Sunday. I kinda hope anyone BUT Cena wins so it can give a glimpse of some unpredictability. Things have been a little predictable lately, so I hope they can change that this Sunday. Hey, I can dream, right?

Winner via DQ: John Cena and Kane

We get a short scene with Punk and Eve. She thinks that Punk has been made a fool this entire time. Even though he's the WWE Champion, he continues to get passed over for people like Cena, Rock, Brock Lesnar, and etc. Well, it's about time someone said it. Punk really has been underplayed during this stretch. Punk was pissed off afterwords. I would hope this is foreshadowing for a character tweak for Punk. I like Punk, but I'm not loving his character at the moment. 

Match #5: Sin Cara vs Heath Slater; WHC MITB Qualifier

Still odd that they only have four people involved in that match, but I guess we got to make everything easier for Mr. Breakfast Cereal. Sin Cara wins with La Mistica for the clean victory. After the match, Slater claims to be a future champion and wants a match against a former champion. Oh, that, "Slater gets killed by a legend" gimmick is never late. Bob Backlund shows up and applies the Crossface Chicken Wing. This was not an official match, but it was somehow one of the most amusing things to see out of the night. I enjoyed this spot for what it was worth. 

Winner via pinfall: Sin Cara

Match #6: Michael Cole vs Jerry "King" Lawler

According to 75% of the audience, this match will happen. I could go into a rant about the metrics for this, but I just don't care anymore. Anyway, I liked Cole's speech. He calls the audience are hypocrites for putting him in a match and also claiming they don't want to see him wrestle. Is Cole talking about the WWE Universe or the IWC? Booker T and Josh Matthews do commentary for this match. Cole tries to run away, but Booker drags him back in the ring. King spins Cole around and pins him. It appears it's finally over. We can finally come out of our homes and…..

SON OF A BITCH!!! It will never die!!! Every time you hear that sound, a brain tumor is born. The GM reverses the decision because of Booker's interference. Santino shows up and says the Raw GM is underneath the ring. Are they really going with this? Yes they are, because it's revealed that Hornswoggle is the anonymous GM. I honestly don't know what to make of this. When I first saw this, I was confused. I was also convinced that WWE just trolled you. Of course, this doesn't connect with anything that happened during the laptop era, but I didn't care about that. I knew it wasn't gonna add up. If you expected a payoff towards this, I don't know what you were thinking. I knew it was gonna be something that didn't make any sense, but that's not gonna stop people from complaining. How is it that a guy who can barely talk, manage to put together fluent sentences via email? It doesn't make any sense, so it was obvious the WWE was attempting a comedy spot there. Unfortunately, it doesn't succeed in that department. I wanted to laugh at this, but I just found it so stupid. The segment was already a train wreck, but this was the equivalent of 20 train wrecks. Now, let me make something clear. I didn't like this segment, but I'm not gonna bitch about it for the next week. Pro wrestling is always gonna be over the top and silly, but there's a much better way to pull this off. Yeah, I can admit the segment was terrible, but I can actually move on after this…..well, I can at least try. 

Winner via stupidity: Michael Cole

Match #7: CM Punk and AJ vs Daniel Bryan and Eve; Mixed Tag match

This match was nothing special. When AJ said she would leave with her future husband, I was expecting a plot twist, but we can't have that on our wrestling shows, can't we? AJ rolls up Eve for the quick victory. After the match, Bryan wants to get married, while Punk is honest with her and says he doesn't want to marry AJ. Punk adds that he cares for her enough to be honest with her. AJ starts to cry and slaps Punk in the face. Bryan starts to gloat, but she slaps Bryan as well. The show ends with Bryan still doing some great facial expressions. So, we learned that AJ is still crazy and she's basically toying with these guys. Like I mentioned last week, they really are going overboard with all this AJ stuff. I like AJ and her character, but it's best reserved in small doses. Sometimes, WWE tends to go overboard when the audience latches on to a character. Instead of going slow, they rush it and plaster that character everywhere. I just don't like it when they do this. Nothing good every comes from rushing a concept. 

Winner via pinfall: CM Punk and AJ

Overall Impression:

I'm not gonna beat around the bush. Raw was pretty bad tonight. In fact, you can say it was pretty terrible. When I see a show like this, I try to focus on the positives. The sad part is that there are very little positives after tonight. I liked certain lines, Backlund's appearance, and the Cena tag match, but that was very little to get excited over. This is a show that's supposed to build up the MITB PPV. Well, I don't find myself overly excited for this PPV after tonight. Now, I'll still watch it and I am interested in a few of these matches, but tonight's show didn't do the best job in hyping up the PPV. Tonight's show felt completely rushed. The first few matches took less than two minutes to complete…..COMBINED!!! I'm usually not this negative about Raw, but this probably was one of the worst Raw's out of 2012. Can you believe a year ago around this time, we finished Raw with that epic contract negotiation between Punk and Vince? That pretty much sums it up right there. I'm sorry, but I really can't recommend tonight's show. I really hope they have something up their sleeve at MITB. They really need something to bring that jolt of energy towards people. Not only that, but I have a weird sensation to destroy laptop computers after tonight. I don't know why. That's gonna do it for the review and I hope you enjoyed it. As always, tell me what you thought of my review or tonight's show. I will see you guys and girls on the next WrestlingNerd show. See you next time….

AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGH!!!