WrestlingNerd Special: TNA's One Night Only: Hardcore Justice 2 (2013)

Due to being out of town last weekend, I was unable to review last week's Impact and Smackdown. Yeah, there's plenty to talk about with what happened in TNA last week, but I'll get to that in the next Impact review. Since I was unable to talk about those shows last week, I figure I can make it up to folks by talking about TNA's One Night Only PPV: Hardcore Justice 2. Why is it Hardcore Justice 2? There's been more than one Har--You know what, never-mind. That's the least of my worries after this show. I've said in the past I won't look at these since they don't connect with the storylines and are mostly paying homage to past events, but this is my way of missing out on updates last week. I'll think of another way of making this up to the WWE fans that read my page shortly, but let's take it one step at a time. Without further due, let's begin this special review. 

Getting started

We open up the PPV with TNA showing a montage of the history of the Hardcore Justice PPV. Yes, cuz everyone should remember when we saw fat guys playing with plastic lightsabers. The first match of the night was LAX vs New Church. I gotta be honest, I didn't watch the first few years of TNA's existence, so I've literally never heard of the New Church. Based on research, New Church was a stable brought about by James Mitchell. The funniest thing I saw in all of this was Mitchell being nowhere in the middle of this match since he focused on something else this evening. I guess even he's embarrassed by one of his old creations. As the PPV name would imply, every match this even would be contested under 'hardcore rules'. I put that loosely since… Well, you'll find out later in the review. The match was just there and LAX picks up the victory. I really have nothing else to add about it since it was kinda bland, but at least Homicide put an honest effort out there. 

Rhyming time

The second match of the night was Jackie Moore vs ODB. This was the only Knockout match of the evening and THANK GOD because this was awful. It was slow and sluggish. I know that's to be expected since these ladies have gotten older, but there was no chemistry in this match. For two veterans, it was sad to say the least. Oh, and the most hardcore item in this match was a broom. That's right, a broom. I'm not sexist or anything, but it was TNA who had these ladies compete with chap-stick, hairspray, high heels, and brooms. I'm just gonna leave it at that and let you translate that yourself. The next match was Generation Me vs Bad Influence. If there's one positive on this showing, it was Bad Influence's pre-match promo. Not sure why Christopher Daniels turned into Dr. Seuss, but I thought it was pretty funny. These two teams compete in a ladder match where the winner gets $25,000. This $25,000 bonus is the reason TNA is having issues paying its talents, but that means more appletinis for Daniels… Eh… EH? Anyway, this was actually a pretty fun match to watch. The funny thing I found about this PPV is how there's more tag teams here than on the actual show. I could've have been the only one to notice that. Anyway, it's the power of appletini that gives Bad Influence the victory. As for Gen Me, it's presumed they had to fork over $25,000 for losing the match. That would've been a fun stipulation if you think about it. 

FISH!!!

Next up is the Gauntlet Battle Royal where it consist of 'hardcore' items. Sigh… The weapons for this match were stupid. Don't get me wrong, it was already pretty bad with high heels, but this is when it got retarded. Who in the hell uses a dust bin as a weapon? And unless that umbrella was created by The Penguin, it's just as pathetic, but they are nothing compared to the one, and only, fish. There was a dead fish that was actually used as a weapon I wish I could make this up, but we have a fish being used as a weapon…

Random Guy: Haha, I got you now!

*other guy pulls out a fish*

Random Guy: ………FIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSH!!! 

This match is so campy that the 1960s Batman show would look at this and say 'That's just silly'. Where did they come up with half of these weapons? My guess is they ran out of time and told everybody to run out to the dumpster and find anything that could work. If that was the case, I would question why somebody would throw out a whole fish, but now I'm really getting off track. I haven't even talked about the competitors of the match. Alright, I think I've gone on long enough about these weapons, so let's do a rundown of the talent. So, all of your favorite past and present TNA talents are here for this match. You got Devon Storm, Gunner, Crimson, Sam Shaw, Funaki? …Little Guido and Two Cold Scorpio? Little Guido and Scorpio are 'passable' with that painful ECW tribute by TNA, but Funaki has never worked for TNA. Perhaps it's time to bring up another running gimmick of these one night only PPVs. It's possible for TNA to bring in talents they've never had before for literally one night. I'll admit that it's cool to see the #1 Smackdown Announcer, but part of me wants to see him on Smackdown as opposed to this. Well, if somebody was offering you free money, would you say no? To top of this diarrhea sundae, Shark Boy actually wins this match thanks to the fi--You know what? F*** that! Shark Boy didn't win this match. The fish won the match. A fish won a wrestling match! The hell with all these wrestlers, the fish is the real ass-kicker. That fish could probably kick John Cena's ass. Nobody f***s around with that fish! Should I even continue with this review? I think we could literally end it right here since I'm not gonna top that. In fact, this moment is so stupid that it's hilarious. In fact, I would actually recommend for you to watch this match if you simply want to laugh your ass off. It's a terrible wrestling match, but an entertaining one at that. 

Aces & Eights is bored this evening...

Aces & Eights is invading this PPV? This is what happens when you literally have nothing else better to do on a Friday night. Anyway, it's Card Games vs James Storm, Magnus, and Hardcore Holly in an elimination tag match playa. My problem with this match is how you get four consecutive eliminations in a span of 15-seconds. When I see things like this, I just see the writers and the performers being lazy and not giving a s***. While this isn't connected with the storylines on the show, that doesn't mean you don't have to try. In fact, one of my main issues with the show is the fact most of the talents aren't putting the honest effort since this is a throwaway event, but at least try to go out there and do something. We saw earlier how over-the-top Chris Daniels was and it was something. Did you see that? It's called giving a s*** and it's actually nice to witness. Anyway, Storm ends up being the lone survivor, while Aces & Eights continues to wonder if skipping happy hour was really worth it. 

Lawyers are hardcore

That's James Mitchell? What happened to him? He looks like a member of ZZ Top. He sounds just as sinister as in the past, but he could've done more in terms of getting in character like the suit and the stylish beard, but then that dives back into people putting on some effort. Judas Mesias went up against Joseph Park since Abyss wasn't available. In fact, why didn't they put Abyss in this? If this has no connection with the storylines, than why not have Abyss? I guess it doesn't matter since Joseph ends up winning the match after his crazy potion starts to take effect. This was supposed to be a Monster's Ball match, but it really didn't feel like one. The two did fine against each other, but the match dragged. By the way, based on TNA's cannon, wouldn't Joseph Park and Judas be half-brothers? Hey, I'm just saiyan. 

Due to Matt Hardy being at the buffet...

It's kinda hilarious seeing Jeremy Borash do commentary AND backstage interviews. It makes you wonder how he does all of this. I didn't know Borash was The Flash? Before I get a smart-ass comment, I should note that this show was taped back in March and all the commentary was recorded at a later time, which is why Tenay and Borash talked about stuff that happened a few weeks ago or else they would be psychic…

The last match of the night was Team 3D vs Brother Runt and Jeff Hardy in a Tables match. I might as well call him Spike Dudley since that's what you're gonna call him regardless of his TNA name. The match wasn't that bad, but just like everything else, I feel there isn't a ton of effort put into this. It was still decent to watch, but I just feel like more could've been done. Hardy and Spike pick up the victory, thus making Bully Ray question why he wanted his troops to invade this event. Seriously, nothing else going on in your lives? The show ends with a round of interviews from people giving their thoughts on the show and future events. One thing I haven't brought up yet is the constant amount of replays and recaps throughout the night. I wouldn't be surprised if over 30-40 minutes of this show was eaten up due to recaps, videos, and replays. I know WWE is very guilty of doing this with their television shows, but seeing this on a 'PPV' event kinda bothers me. You're actually forking over money to watch this and you pretty much get free television. Yeah, everybody can be a Wario these days. Greed is good!!!

Overall Impression:

The only thing I expected out of this was to be simply entertained and nothing more. While the fish segment managed to hit me like Joker's laughing gas and the ladder match was fun to watch, nothing else really pops out from this event. Like I mentioned earlier in the review, the biggest problem with the show is how it seems the talents aren't really thrilled to be there and are basically counting the minutes by so they can collect a check. To the people that did try, I command you for at least putting some effort since you at least tried to have some fun with the event. When I see somebody not caring, it makes me not care as well. Yeah, this was my main problem with the PPV and it's it can be a big issue. I can see others getting more value out of this than me and there's certainly nothing wrong with that. If you enjoyed it, more power to you, but I just found it to be an evening where very few wanted to do as little work as possible. I know I normally give a PPV a score between 1-10, but I don't feel the need to do that for this event since I don't see this as a PPV and instead see it as a tribute to their history. You honestly aren't missing much by skipping this event and I cannot recommend this… Unless you want to witness the fish. One thing I will do is name an MVP for this evening. Honestly, how can you NOT give it to the fish? The fish was the star of this show and don't you forget it! That does it for the special review and I hope you enjoyed it. Tell me what you thought of this and let me know if you think I should look into future 'One Night Only' PPVs. I might be willing to take a look at them depending on the feedback. I will see you guys and girls in the next one.